My Birthday

I have never been one to worry of getting older - never tried to hide my age, always accepted it and in truth was proud of it. But not this year. For some reason turning 60 has made me rather introspect and a little nervous.

Maybe it is because last year was such a final year and now I am embarking on a new era complete with turning the big 6 0.

My younger son and his wife had been planning a surprise party then there was a big fall out between younger son and older and before you knew it I stepped in and pulled the plug on the party. There was no way I was going to go to a family do with only one of my children or with both of the eyeing off each other in preparation for murder.

Each year my birthday has come and gone with no heraldry or fanfare and quite often forgotten so I figured no party was no worry.

Surprise, surprise I find I am rather down today - it is almost like an anticlimax - nothing is happening. B11 has his kiddies for the next week from today because it is school holidays so I wont be with him; elder son, his son, his girlfriend and her son are descending for the weekend (each second weekend he has custody of his son and they live here from Friday to Sunday) and I am called upon in my roll as chief cook and bottle washer.

Then DIL rang and said come over here for dinner tonight - nothing exciting on the menu but at least you wont have to cook for a houseful of people - I leapt at the chance.

I find lately I don't want a house full of people - I want calm and peace and one-on-one time with B11 - and when he is not here I want to be alone to do whatever I feel like with no-one watching over me - I want to put myself before everyone else. I don't want kids dropping in each day, by all means call in once a week but not every day.

Is that greedy?

For the last 30 years I have put family ahead - elder son was an ordeal growing up and when he was finally over the really big hurdles, Philip was diagnosed with the tumour and my wants once again were lost over to family.

Now he has gone and for the first time in 30 years I am starting to become selfish and want 'my time'. I figure I have devoted enough time to others and it is time to think of myself - let's face it the boys are 30 and 29.

Anyway, back to the birthday thing - why is it so concerning for me? Is it that I am starting to think of my own mortality? Is it because it is just like all the others and nothing special? Is it because I want people to make a fuss and instead I stopped it? Who knows?

I do know that tomorrow I will feel a little better and over my wallowing - hey maybe that's it!

Maybe I just need to wallow in misery for a little and feel sorry for myself; indulge a little in maudlin thoughts, cry 'woe is me' and beat my breasts! ...... then tomorrow be proud of being 60 and look forward to the exciting years ahead of me! rotfl.

Birthdays Come Around Each Year

It will be Philip's birthday in a couple of weeks, the 19th, and I am actually feeling worse this year than last, probably because last year was so soon after he died.

Funny, I think I have dealt through my grief and all my other feelings that are associated with him then something little will happen, I'll see a movie or read or hear something and it stirs it all up again. I know there is no time limit on grief and I know I did not love him as he deserved to be loved but I hate these feelings that sometimes threaten to overwhelm me.

Sometimes I think maybe that would be the answer - just let the whole darn lot of them flood out and deal with them. But in reality I'm too chicken.

I am still going out with B11 who is a really wonderful man, I do like him so much and I know he feels the same about me - he is going through a really rough patch at the moment with his ex and he trusts me enough to tell all and for me to be the shoulder for him to lean on. Sometimes it gets too much for me but how can I not support him, especially as we are developing a relationship, trust, leaning on each other, honesty those are the things that make a relationship. I want to be the one he turns to, the one he relies on.

For most of my life I have hidden my feelings, my fears, my wants, my needs, my worries and it is hard to share them; I have tended to put others bfore me - the kids, Philip. I know he knows there is something that is upsetting me but how do I tell him?

How can I say that I get overwhelmed by emotions; that I still wake at night in a cold sweat thinking of decisions I made, some of which ultimately ended Philip's life, I carry that guilt deep within. That I still haven't come to terms with falling out of love with Philip; that I carry these burdens and worry how they will impact on my future.

How can I tell him that I want him to really listen as I cry when I hide it inside me? How do I open up to someone who has problems of their own when I pretend I have none? How do I tell him that I worry how our relationship will go - if it will survive the strains upon it? How do I say I fear the damage his ex may do to him, that it will destroy what we have together?

Too long I have been the one others depended on; too long I have made all the decisions; too many years no-one has touched me as lover, kissed me, caressed me - all that I now crave almost obsess; too long I have had to hide away my emotions and my yearnings so now how do I share my pain, how do I learn to open up?

I have torn down my walls but still am too scared to show everything inside. I want to cry and scream and yell and curse but I am too afraid.

On top of that my kids are not happy with each other; they have resolved most of their differences but it will take time for them to get back to how they were with each other. This has impacted on me too because it was over my 60th birthday that they argued; so that added another ache to my heart.

Why the hell can't kids see that life is too precious to waste arguing over trivial matters? That you have to enjoy what you have because all too quickly it can be taken away from us. I lost my parents and not a day goes by when I don't think of them and miss them.

This blog is the only way I know to vent; in my mind it is like talking to myself or putting it into a diary and writing. I know I am going through a rough patch at the moment and tomorrow or next week or next month I will be fine and back to 'normal' but sometimes I know you need to vent a little to get you through it all.

And maybe one day I will open the floodgates and let everything I have bottled up and hidden away from my life with Philip come rushing out; and maybe, just maybe it will cleanse me.

First Anniversary

Twelve months on.

Somedays it seems like he has been gone for many many years and others only days.

I have very mixed emotions at the moment. I have met a wonderful man from my online dating efforts and is is supporting me through this painful time. Some days I feel like I am cheating on my husband .... Philip and I had discussed what would happen if he died before me; we talked about it when he was first diagnosed and he said that he would hate to think I spent my life in mourning; so I know he would be happy for me. But that feeling still rears up at times.

At times I still feel guilt over his death; totally illogical but probably a normal response. I also feel guilt that I couldn't love him more than I did - also illogical. I guess that most people in a similar situation would go through the same feelings - seesawing emotions, the highs and lows - and it is just a matter of working through them and understanding that it is a natural part of the grieving process.

My mother in law is still not moving on and each time we talk she goes back over the last month of Philip's life; it is getting that I dread speaking with her. She goes out to bingo (housie) each day and 3 nights a week and tells me I should focus my life on my sewing and art and that I had a good life and shouldn't expect anything else. She tells me I am lucky I have my sewing to keep me occupied. How can I wear black armbands and mourn for the rest of my life?

I will never tell her I am actually dating because I know she would never understand it; she would see it as an effront to his memory; my life should now be sackcloth and ashes.

So this Sunday I know I will work myself into a complete blabbering idiot if I give in but I have found support in this amazing man. He intends to take me away for the weekend until Mon night. Beats me where I found him but I know it is what I need to get through it all. He talks with me about Philip, talks with the kids about him and doesn't try to push that part of my life away. If anyone can me get through this it will be him.

I was going to spend the weekend alone but realise all that would happen is I would become a hermit and an emotional wreck that would take me ages to put back together again.

A New Year

OK kids - I'm back up.

There is no way you can keep the Goddess down .... lol.

I'm such a half full glass girl that my glass could be running on empty and I would still tell you it was spilling over.

It's a new year - I turn 60 in July - and I intend to have a wonderful year albeit with walls....lol.

New Year

Christmas has been and gone. It was a low keyed affair; I wasn't even in the mood for putting up a tree but ended up buying a little tree to put on the kitchen table, mainly for my grandson. Still I enjoyed Christmas day with the family and we all had a good time, I came home and felt relaxed and pleased.

Still Christmas just didn't have it's usual sparkle. Next year I hope, it will be back shiny and glittering and full of life.

Philip's mum seems to cope pretty well considering she had lost her son and her husband. She is really handling things better than I did when Philip first died. She goes out to housey four times a week and one evening, she says that it is only in the early evenings that she feels empty.

I thought I was coping really well now, getting into this dating game (see my other blog), I think all the funny things that occur during it are what is helping me to get back into life. Plus the fact that there are a lot of males out there who consider me attractive and would like to get to know me, even if I don't reciprocate the sentiments it is gratifying and uplifting to hear.

But tonight is New Year's Eve and for some reason I am finding it very hard. Son has gone over to be with his son and his son's mum so it's just me and the dogs. All of a sudden I realised I am alone and it sort of took me by surprise.

Since Philip died I have often thought of the fact that I am now alone and was a bit sadden by it but I don't really think it had sunk all the way in. Tonight it did, took me down to rock bottom; but don't worry my friends by the morning I will have climbed back up again - a new year and new things to look forward to. The Goddess is on the rise.

But there are some things I have to face before I can complete the return journey.

I sometimes wish I could tell someone how I feel. This blog does that but I hide so much of myself away; sometimes I think I even hide from myself.

If I am honest with myself I have been building walls or 'safes' since I was 21. Meet a wonderful man then but I spoilt it all and hurt him; and myself badly in the process. I never wanted to feel that sort of pain again so I built a wall to protect myself and have added to it over the years. I did love Philip but because of the wall I never gave 100% of myself. Over the years that wall has been strengthened and others added.

In addition to my original wall I have built a wall to help myself cope with Philip's illness; a wall to stop myself from feeling his pain; a wall to stop all those emotions of love that can't be returned; a wall to hide away my sexuality; a wall to protect myself from the feelings of guilt - the list goes on and on. It is the only way I know how to cope.

Now there is no reason for them but I hold them lovingly against my heart because they have become my shield, my strength. How can I tear them down? If I do I would run the risk of pain so unbearable. I don't think I have the strength. What would happen if I met someone, fell in love (wholly for the first time since that 21 year old girl did) and then I lost that love? I don't think I could cope with the pain, the loss. I have taken down the ones that relate to Philip because I no longer need them but the ones that protect my heart I feel are too strong to remove.

So do I tear them down and hope for a miracle or do I continue on with my life the same way and only give what can be seen what I have hidden and locked away?

Do I risk my sanity for something that I may never achieve? Do I bare my soul to someone and hope he will protect it? Only one other person in my life has ever seen the depths to my love and it ended in heartbreak and disaster. I don't think I can do it again.

I know you have to be prepared to risk all to achieve full love but I don't think I have the capacity to risk that much. The only other time I did the pain was so hard to bear I think it scarred me forever and holds me back from taking that risk.

I think I can have a full life even with those walls in place, Philip never knew they were they; in fact no-one has ever discovered them so I guess I hide them really well and I had a few relatinships before I married, even my family doesn't know of them. If I can fool all those people then I can keep them to protect myself. Okay so I am a chicken!

My lovely blog friend Birdy made this scrapbook page for me - its't it wonderful.

May your journey to the Summerlands, the Isles of the Blessed, to the heart of the Goddess, to the land of freedom and splendour, be swift and sure.

You are blessed, you are blessed, you are blessed.

We ask that the blessing of the Spirits of the Tribe and of the Ancestors, of Time and of Place and of the Journey be with you.

We ask that the blessing of the Spirits of North and South, East and West be with you.

We ask that you might be blessed with fire and with water, with earth and with air and with Spirit.

We ask for the blessing of the Lord and Lady of the Animals and the Woods, the mountains and the streams,

And we ask that the blessing of the Uncreated One, of the Created Word, and of the Spirit that is the Inspirer, be always with you.

By the beauty of the fields, the woods and the sea, by the splendour that is set upon all that is, we send you our love and blessings.

Go safely, go well, go surely. Our hearts are with you. There is no separation

A Smile on Her Face

The girls (both DIL and grandsons's lovely mum) told me I should get out, their opinion is that I have lived such a cloistered life for the last 10 years that revolved around caring, with no affection, love or intimacy and I should start to get back into life with a capital L. A few weeks ago grandson's mum talked me into putting a profile on a Aussie dating site. Why on earth I listened I don't know but my goodness I can't believe the response!!!

Wow, talk about there must be some life left in the old girl - funny thing is over 70% of the males trying to contact me have been under 36 most in their early 20s! I'm not talking one or two contacts here - this is anything up to 10 a day - at least 50 - 20and 30 somethings in total!!

Needless to say I politely say no. They are, to coin a phrase, only thinking with their male appendage....lol. I can't imagine any other reason that a 20 something would want 'contact' (wink, wink, nudge, nudge) with a woman who is turning 60 next year..... rotfl.

But I have been contacted by some mature men (some of who openly admit they are married and looking for a little action on the side) and them; together with the toy boys, have boosted my self confidence no end. I go out with a smile on my face and laughter in my heart.

And before you ask, yes I have had coffee with one of them, yesterday - a very, very nice man who is the same age as myself and with the same family values. Who knows where it will lead, maybe nowhere; I may never see him again but I am now living LIFE. What my girls and Tanya, Lindi and Sheila have been telling me it has sunk in finally - I do know that to some members of the opposite sex I am still a desirable woman (even if they are still in short pants) and dammit I love it!!