30 Years of Hell So What Happens Now?

A young friend of mine whose mother is in a nursing home with MS was talking with me and asked how hard was it to care for Philip and how did I think it now affected me. Her father had tried to care for her mum but after a few months put her into a nursing home.

My friend seemed to be questioning why I nursed Philip for so many years and her Dad only did it for a short time. Her mum was able to get about in a wheel chair and is mental compos; I think she needed to know it was alright.

I told her that everyone is different and what person handles another finds beyond them; it doesn't mean you don't care any less it is just a matter of how strong you are mentally to cope with it all.

We chatted for a little longer and I think she felt better after it - she realises that her Dad couldn't work and take care of her mum at the same time. She holds no anger against either parent which is the most important thing and she and her husband are trying to support her father mentally.

Later that day I sat and, for want of a better word, brooded on what my life had been like and how it now affected me. I tried to be honest to myself.

Looking back I don't know if I would do the same again. It destroyed me mentally; it left a strong confident woman with buried feelings of inadequacy and a sense of fragility that I never thought I would experience.

When coping with Philip I built walls - walls to hide behind, walls to cope with the pain of losing a partner even while they were alive, walls to show an outward face to family and friends so they would think I was coping; those walls kept growing and they became my lifeline, without them I hate to think what would have happened.

There were days when I woke up and hesitantly went to check on Philip - part of me praying he was alive and part of me praying he was dead. Then the feeling of guilt would kick in. There were days when I would take him to Drs and Specialists and have to make decisions that affected him - he had no idea what was happening, he could not sooner comment on treatments as decided whether to have one sandwich or two - so every decision that was made was made by me. It is hard enough to make he right decisions for yourself but when you are making life and death decisions for someone else the pressure is unbelievable.

For years I washed, shaved, toileted, dressed, fed, changed nappies, wipe up vomit and tried to talk with someone who, more often than not, could not string words two words together that made sense.

On top of all this he was obnoxious, abusive and aggressive - I know it wasn't him it was what the tumour had turned him into but day in day out, week after week, month after month, year after year to be abused is wearing. After a while it took it's toll and I accepted that in his world I was a "fat, ugly, f....ing, c... who was useless" a "pile of sh.. that he hated"; the list goes on but I won't bore you with it - you get the idea.

Sometime about 8 years before he died he stopped calling me by name and instead I became "mum". I think that summed it all up, in his eyes that was how he could cope with me; maybe in his mind I was his mother; I guess having someone change your nappy, feed you etc that is what you become.

Toward the end of his life the strain was becoming unbearable for me. I was tied to the house, got 3 hours respite every two weeks, he still needed 24/7 care and attention as had been for the last 6 or so years. A few times I found myself huddled in on the ground in a corner rocking back and forth. My life was slowly unravelling.

And then he passed away.

That was over a year and half ago and lately I have discovered just how much I have lost. I don't mean the years I spent caring for him; I mean the mental strength and ability to cope with things now.

Anyone who has read this blog on a regular basis (not those idiots who crawl out of the woodwork once, comment and disappear) knows some of the things I deal with and how recent things have transpired. Recent events have now caused a lot of the pain, anguish and guilt I hid away to bubble to the surface and affect me.

I know this is what is causing a lot of the problems between B11 and myself - in a way it parallels the life I had with Philip - I spent all my time caring for him with no return.

So now how do I cope with all of this that is festering inside. I know how very close to the edge I am, I get scared I will find myself huddled in a corner again and this time I won't want to come away from it. I am in danger of wall building again and B11 tells me I should share, tell him it all and let the pain come out but I am so terrified of doing that. There is so much there - 30 years of pain; 30 years of frustration, guilt, anger; 30 years of tears.

I spoke to a counsellor several times and she feels I am coping reasonably well but she tells me it will take several years before I feel better in view of what went down. So what do I do in the meantime? I have never shared my pain and grief; I have no idea how to and I see it as a sign of weakness. I find it very hard to overcome the way I have dealt with stresses and strains all of my life. How do I change 60 years of dealing with anything? How am I supposed to share these things? Bottom line is I don't think I can.

Recent Madness

In view of the recent flood of comments to my last posting where all the weirdos crawled out of the woodwork and posted anonymously, I have changed the settings so now if you want to comment you cannot hide behind anonymity.

Some comments were critical of me and I have no problems with people expressing their opinions but what I do have a problem with is those comments that were written by idiots who did not bother to take time to read this blog. Instead they read the last few entries and made an assumption based on them; they then posted hiding behind 'anon'.

I make no apologies for entries I have posted; this blog serves a purpose for me - if you don't like it then tough! I really don't care. Simple solution - don't read it!!

Okay I know I am Crazy But.....

Okay, I just know what you are going to say......you are still with him, why?

Why? Because when he is not obsessing he is nice but at the moment he is obsessing. He now has his children 7 days and then his ex has them for 7. I thought this would be great and that for 7 days a fortnight there would be no obsessing but I was wrong.

It seems worse at the moment and this is the 7 days that he has them!!

I feel like I am his personal counsellor, someone he can ring and ask questions about behaviours and how to manage them; someone he can get advice from and vent to. It is starting to really get to me.

I have found that when I tell him something I have to repeat it at least 3 or 4 times before it actually sinks into his consciousness that I am talking about something that is not related to him and his problems with his children and ex. For example I tried to tell him about a fire I had in my backyard and his reply? Something to do with his ex dropping off the kids and being confronted by principal and staff and how it must make her feel bad and 'ganged up' on - honestly if she can't get them to school on time what does she expect and why the hell should he feel sorry for her? I don't think she has had them to school on time this year. I am utterly sick of hearing about her; he tells me he is over her but the way he 'tip toes' around her, not wanting to upset her because she gets so angry makes me wonder sometimes.

Maybe he just thinks he is - he tells me he hates her with a passion but it is a fine line between love and hate. If you no longer have feelings for someone you should be able to stop the nonsense and tell it like it is. Okay I get angry because she gets treated different to me, if she is upset he tries to comfort her - me? I get upset and get told to stop being a 'big girls blouse'. She cries and gets sympathy, I cry and get told I am wallowing! I'm over it!

Honestly the fact that he is such a lovely person is being outweighed by this. I want a relationship that doesn't involve me being a full time counsellor.

I honestly don't know if I can get back the feeling I had for the man when we first became involved and some days I don't want to.

I know the truth of it all and just don't want to see it.

I know I am being a right bitch - we are in a relationship and I should take the bad with the good and be supportive, but is it wrong to want something simple and easy for a change? My life has been full of pain and heartache and I guess if I am horrid and mean then I am. I can't change who I am, what has happened in the past has shaped me as it shapes us all.

As the song goes - "algo de mí ha muerto, quiero vivir" something of me has died, I want to live...... necesito abrirme los ojos en la verdad.

Confusion Reigns Supreme

The last couple of months have been so confusing for me - I honestly don't know what to do about B11 and our relationship.

The end of July and beginning of August were horrendous - he was getting reeled back into the family unit because of his ex's inability to cope with the kids. He was going there each afternoon, picking them up from school, organising homework, having an evening meal with them and getting them into bed then coming to see me. I was almost at the end of my tether.

Then the agencies helping stepped in and said no more ...... she has to learn to stand on her own feet.

Yep you guessed it - she can't. She cries that she has no money and wants more (she has already bled him dry and he lives from week to week); she continues to scream and rant at the kids with her verbal and mental abuse and so the kids act out at school. She can't even get them to school on time takes her anything from 2 - 4 hours.

So of course B11 has become obsessed with trying to figure out how to save his kids, and who could blame him? Gosh if it was me I would be fighting nail and tooth as well.

Our other problems is the kids - they are really wonderful children and I enjoy their company but I don't want to start again and be a step mother to three very young children. My patience is gone, my capacity to nurture is damaged, mentally I get very tense after seeing my own children and grandchild for a weekend how on earth am I supposed to handled someone else's children? Then coupled with the fact I am 60 years old and his kids (5 (twins) and 8) are the ages of my grandchild I just don't have the oomph needed to run after young kids continually.

I spent the last 6 or 8 years of Philip's life caring for him in every way possible, he was as dependent as a newborn and needed as much care - from washing, to toileting to dressing to feeding. It destroyed me in a way - it left me with slightly damaged and unable to face those chores again. I don't want the responsibilities of young children; I don't want the way your life revolves around them until they are old enough to get their licence and pinch the car; I had so many years involved with my own kids - trying to get my older son to a point where he could function in the real world; it was bloody hard work and so mentally hard. Having your child try and kill you, having him knock you unconscious several times; have him use his little brother as a punching bag and then turn on you when you tried to intervene takes its toll.

Then I had to deal with a husband fighting a brain tumour - my life became his. I had spent years looking after my son and then when it looked like I could see light at the end of the tunnel something else grabbed me and claimed me.

At Christmas time I finally thought I could get my life into order; I could live for myself not for anyone else - okay I felt I deserved it - and wrong or right that is what I wanted. I expected that I would meet someone who was in a similar situation to me - adult children and now enjoying grandkids - no strings to speak of and time to relax and enjoy life.

Instead I meet B11 who has more baggage than Sydney airport!

Mentally it is killing me and I don't think I can cope anymore. On top of all this my younger son and his wonderful wife have just had their first child (after a miscarriage last year) and my beautifully little 2 week old granddaughter is blind in one eye, in the beginning the intial concern was that she had cancer with really horrid prognosis. Today she is having eye surgery and I want to devote all my concerns and fears to her.

Sometimes over the last few weeks when I have told B11 what is happening with her he doesn't even hear me but continues on about his worries.

Sadly it has had a very damaging effect on our relationship - we have been together for 8 months and it has been give, give, give from me and nothing in return. I told him several times that it is draining me and that I can't go on and he promises it will change then SHE cracks up and all hell breaks loose again.

Last week we decided to call it quits - that lasted until he rang the same day and said he wanted to try again.

The weekend was great - we rarely spoke of his problems, we had fun and enjoyed each other's company and I thought "gee maybe we can salvage it, maybe it will work" then yesterday she rang him for help and I thought "here we go again".

We talked about it this morning and he said he can switch off and not discuss anything about her and the kids with me in hopes that we can salvage what we had. He said he was disappointed I couldn't be there for him and thought I was stronger. Hell, what does he want from me? Beside he still continues to discuss it all with me and I am still continuing to support, console, offer suggestions and be a sounding board for him.

I have given until now there is nothing left - I don't even know if I want to try anymore - part of me wants to shut the door on him and part of me wants to hold him tight. I am so confused as to what I do.

On top of this is the knowledge that he wants me to eventually live with him and I know I cannot. I cannot become a surrogate mother - I am no longer strong enough.

He has said he doesn't know if he will be able to cope with a part time partner so in the back of my mind I wonder. His idea is we see each other on the off week that he doesn't have his kids; I go there for dinner through the week he does have them and spend some time with them all on the weekends. Will that work? I don't know, but what happens if we fight through all this then twelve months down the track he says he can't handle the fact I won't live with him and the kids and I am shunted off.

Okay, who know what the future may bring and we should enjoy the moment and not worry about 'what mays' but it is a serious concern.

School holidays are around the corner and he has his kids for a week I know he wants us to spend the time as a family unit but I can't and don't want to.

I am being mean and selfish to want a relationship without the warts but after living a hell on earth for so many years I am burnt out and I know despite him saying he understand he really doesn't and he thinks it will all change. It really isn't fair to him but it seems neither of us can make the break.

So what do I do - I can't think straight - worry about my granddaughter; trying to support my kids through their pain (and mine); worry about B11's kids; worry about what is going to happen between us; concern for his mental welfare and mine - it is all too much; my head is going to explode!

Continued from Last Post

Been really sitting and trying assess my feelings and emotions lately. It seems to be a turbulent time for me at the moment and I have been trying to do some in depth serious and honest thinking. The problems with B11 and some problems with elder son have become a focal point for me and I need to try and put things into perspective and order.

Elder son - okay this one is relatively easy; he is 30 years old, has Aspergers and can be a real PITA. Until early this year he lived with me. I am on a very limited income and at my age would find it hard to get work, especially in this economic climate, plus I really don't want to. I lent him a large amount of money (well large for me) - it was so he could show he had money in his bank account when applying to rent a property. I told him it was not to be spent and was to be returned asap. Yep you guessed it - he blew it. Now I have a lot of bills in and struggling to pay them all. I will manage to but that money would have meant less stress. On top of that he is not happy with me because a) the money (I have asked for it to be repaid from his tax return but he says he has other commitments) and b) he and his partner are expecting a child and I said I was not pleased because they have been together for such a very short period of time and I felt it was too soon. They did ask and I was honest. He already has a child from a previous relationship and she has several from her previous.

This one will just have to be a 'time will tell' thing - I won't be lending any more money, not that I have any. I also will not have him back here - he has to stand on his own plus I am at a point when I really want to be alone. I know perfectly well that I could not cope with having him, his partner, her toddler and a new baby in the house. When they are here for a weekend I find myself looking for somewhere to curl up and cry. I took care of Philip for too long, mentally I couldn't do it; I am outwardly a strong capable woman but inside I am a little girl crying and screaming for someone to protect me.

I am not coping well.

I have to admit that if Philip had not died when he did I am 90% sure I was about to 'burn out'; fall victim to depression; I was so close to breaking point that I could feel the sharpness of the edge beckoning me. I am also 90% sure that is why I am finding it difficult to cope with the things occurring around me at the moment.

I know I still have a sense of emptiness or despair at times liked I did toward Philip's last few months. I also know I want to isolate myself from the world as I did then but I force myself to do things.

I spoke with a counsellor during Philip's last few months and again a few months after he died. She agreed with my 'self diagnosis' and urged me to look past it all and try and regain my life. I think to a certain degree, I have succeeded in doing just that. I visit my friend usually each week, I take myself out through the week and I keep in constant contact with my family.

I know that I find it difficult to take charge now, I avoid any form of confrontation, I try and keep things simple and pleasant. That's why I want a nice uncomplicated life.

And then damn B11 comes along and throws a spanner in the works.... lol. See I can laugh about it.

B11 - he and I have had a few talks about things lately and he knows where I am and understands. But really there is not a lot he can do and I understand this; his ex does not cope with the kids and has been abusive in the past. His children must take first priority while they are young. She had a health scare this week and was taken to hospital in the middle of the night. He rushed to be with his kids and her. On top of that she has now found she has a few lumps in her breast and will have to have biopsies done - I know (and understand) this will mean she will want his support again. I know I am jealous of the support he gives her, mainly because it is something I haven't had (OK I know I never asked for it because I always had considered myself strong). I guess I think I should be important in his life and not be taken for granted or used as a means to vent.

But what do I do?

I have considered telling him to go and come back when everything is resolved and sorted out but I honestly can't see any resolution for years. So what do I do? Send him away and then sit and twiddle my thumbs for a couple of years and hope he will come back? Feel miserable and lonely because I sent him away when I want him to stay? Go back on the dating circuit and compare everyone I meet to him?

Do you know I honestly have no idea what I am going to do regarding our relationship.

I guess at this point I am going to take things a day at a time and see how long I can cope with it. I shall try not to whinge and complain to him, for goodness sake he has the ex from hell to contend with! He certainly doesn't need someone else whining and complaining in his ear. I shall accept his love and if it works it works; if it doesn't well at least know that for a while I was loved. Before you say anything I don't want this to sound like I am being a matyr but I think it is the most sensible way to deal with a very unpleasant horrid situation.


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One Worry Goes and Another Takes Its Place

Been reasonable happier lately about turning 60 ... rotfl. After all it is just a number and I have never worried about them before so why be concerned now?

Things on the B11 front are a little shaky - in so far as his ex. She is not what one would call a very good mother and frequently calls for B11 to help. She also 'melts down' once a month for a week or so and he goes there after work to get the kids organised, homework done, bathed, fed and into bed; she orders and he jumps and asks how high (I doubt he could refuse her and she has a temper as well). He has daily contact with her either over the phone or in person. His worry is his kids which I understand but I am finding it increasingly difficult to deal with the relationship his has with her; I know he is no longer in love with her but he has this strange relationship where he won,t do anything to upset/hurt her if possible and he make excuses for her behaviour.

I have always been a very strong person but for some reason since Philip died I find I can no longer handle things like I did before; I am guessing it comes from making decisions that affect other people intimately for the last 30 years (older son and Philip). Now that he is gone and son has moved out I have retreated into my shell like a little (lol) hermit crab and avoid confrontation, decision making (except where it affects me) and generally try to keep everything on a nice even keel. I know that inside me is a little girl who is crying out for support, love and attention but my outside front is one of control and a certain amount of coolness/calmness.

Now I am faced with this - I honestly don't know what to do or how to handle it. I told B11 I support his decisions but I think I am lying to myself (and I know he knows it). I honestly don't know if I can continue along this path. I am so attracted to the man and miss him deeply when we are not together; I know he cares deeply for me but....

What do I do?

I have no idea. I get torn up each time he gets a call from her (daily) which is invariable asking for help in some way and he feels responsible because of his children. He often says no but when she has these monthly 'melt downs' he always goes to her aid. If she is upset he will drop everything to go to her. Me? I am supposed to be 'strong' and not show weakness; she is the one who gets all the sympathy and caring. I often feel like the mistress to a married man, lurking and hiding but being the shoulder HE can cry on.

Inside I am screaming and crying; outside I am supportive, smiling and happy. Before you say I should tell him how I feel, let me say I have, he knows I don't like it but I don't think he realises just how close to the edge I am. I thought when I set out on this internet dating thing that I would find someone I could go to the movies with, have dinner with, maybe the odd weekend together. Someone uncomplicated, no baggage or strings,; I knew I would not handle those things well. Instead I found someone who complemented me and made me feel whole and I don't want to lose him but he comes with such a lot of baggage and strings. When we first met I was stress free and laughing all the while but now am the opposite.

I don't want to leave him; I care very deeply for the man; he is kind, caring, fun, he makes me laugh, he is interesting, oh and he is great in bed.....lol. A little (hell no a lot) of me would break if I left. But I cannot compete with 3 children' and I would never want to; and a very demanding ex.

Okay I know the truth - I guess I have two options - put up with it or leave. Great..... not!


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My Birthday

I have never been one to worry of getting older - never tried to hide my age, always accepted it and in truth was proud of it. But not this year. For some reason turning 60 has made me rather introspect and a little nervous.

Maybe it is because last year was such a final year and now I am embarking on a new era complete with turning the big 6 0.

My younger son and his wife had been planning a surprise party then there was a big fall out between younger son and older and before you knew it I stepped in and pulled the plug on the party. There was no way I was going to go to a family do with only one of my children or with both of the eyeing off each other in preparation for murder.

Each year my birthday has come and gone with no heraldry or fanfare and quite often forgotten so I figured no party was no worry.

Surprise, surprise I find I am rather down today - it is almost like an anticlimax - nothing is happening. B11 has his kiddies for the next week from today because it is school holidays so I wont be with him; elder son, his son, his girlfriend and her son are descending for the weekend (each second weekend he has custody of his son and they live here from Friday to Sunday) and I am called upon in my roll as chief cook and bottle washer.

Then DIL rang and said come over here for dinner tonight - nothing exciting on the menu but at least you wont have to cook for a houseful of people - I leapt at the chance.

I find lately I don't want a house full of people - I want calm and peace and one-on-one time with B11 - and when he is not here I want to be alone to do whatever I feel like with no-one watching over me - I want to put myself before everyone else. I don't want kids dropping in each day, by all means call in once a week but not every day.

Is that greedy?

For the last 30 years I have put family ahead - elder son was an ordeal growing up and when he was finally over the really big hurdles, Philip was diagnosed with the tumour and my wants once again were lost over to family.

Now he has gone and for the first time in 30 years I am starting to become selfish and want 'my time'. I figure I have devoted enough time to others and it is time to think of myself - let's face it the boys are 30 and 29.

Anyway, back to the birthday thing - why is it so concerning for me? Is it that I am starting to think of my own mortality? Is it because it is just like all the others and nothing special? Is it because I want people to make a fuss and instead I stopped it? Who knows?

I do know that tomorrow I will feel a little better and over my wallowing - hey maybe that's it!

Maybe I just need to wallow in misery for a little and feel sorry for myself; indulge a little in maudlin thoughts, cry 'woe is me' and beat my breasts! ...... then tomorrow be proud of being 60 and look forward to the exciting years ahead of me! rotfl.