Philip is experiencing bouts of severe pain from his shingles. The blisters on his buttocks and groin have all healed up and he never got any one his leg but every now and again he gets a severe pain that runs from his toes right up to his mid chest along the nerve line. The pain is so severe he almost passes out and he screams in agony.
Drs have given him a morphine based pain relief but it can only be taken very 6 hours. Some days this pain happens 10 or 12 times - after one bout yesterday he told me he wanted to die, he was fed up with being sick and in such pain.
To see me react to these bouts you would assume I am very callous but I know if I let myself 'see' what pain he is in it might very well be the end of my calm composure.
I have dealt with this bloody illness for the last 13 years and have compartmented a part of my mind so that I don't see the mental and physical pain he is going through. My little 'safe' one of my 'walls'. If I didn't I couldn't function the way I am.
In all honestly this is a big roller coaster ride and I am sick of it all, there is no fun in this ride and just want to go off and sit in a corner and cry. But I know that if I do it will be the end of me so I just tighten the locks on my mental safe, add some more bricks to the walls and suck it in and continue to care for him. There will be time enough for me when this is over and as it could last for years yet there is no time to break down.
Unfortunately, sometimes things sneak up, I see a couple walking together, sneaking a kiss and I get so jealous. I would love nothing more than a cuddle and a kiss - hell I'd kill for s.e.x. - it has been so many many years since there was any form of intimacy with Philip. Now all I have to look forward to is emptiness and pain. Why do I have to miss out? Mustn't think like that. Philip misses out on even more. Please grant me the strength to cope with this all; make my safe; my walls, strong, I never want to open them or tear them down.
Thursday, July 26, 2007
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4 comments:
Oh Soozii,
That's awful. Does he remember each bout of pain or is he hopefully forgetting that he has felt it before?
Keep doing what you have to to preserve your own mental health....as you are still essential to his care....is there some sort of punching bag you can belt the hell out of? ( a rug you can beat, maybe. ) I can't know how bad it is for you, but,whenever I feel like complaining about something I think what you have to contend with and feel ashamed of myself. Lots of love and hugs from Ali.
I agree with Ali, I too feel ashamed of myself. Hang in there Sooziii.... Philip is blessed indeed to have you to look after him. hugs from sheila.. an email is on its way tomorrow.
I'm sorry. This is beyond awful.
You're doing the right thing. Affecting detachment may, as you say, look or seem callous, but if you let yourself get sucked emotionally or physically dry, there is going to be nothing left for the long haul.
It seems to me that this isn't only Philip's Story, but yours as well. I seem to remember that you're a member of some support groups. If you're not, I'd encourage you to seek them out or maybe a therapist who can give you some tender loving care.
I too am going through a similar situation and to see in print the things I feel takes away some of the guilt. I now know that there are others who feel like me too!
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