Respite care and stepping back.

Well my respite care starts this Friday - 4 hours once a month. I am looking forward to it - have made myself an appointment to get my eyes checked (had put it off for so long) and have some other shopping that has been postponed for so long.

Been thinking a lot also - mainly about the kids and the things that have been doing for me. Once the bathroom is finished I am going to try not to ask anything of them - they only have the weekend for themselves and I feel like I have been forcing them to give up their own lives to help me.

I have also decided not to go back to my sewing group that was held monthly, I haven't been since May, they all need to try and get back some normalcy into their lives and so I if I give them back their weekends maybe this can happen.

It is bad enough that they have to empty out their father's urine bottle but to have to wipe his bottom for him is something I don't want them to have to do although they have had to on a couple of occasions.

Sadly I missed out on the Craft show I wanted to go to but figure there will be other times - maybe when this is all over. I know I am still down even though I am getting back into things _ I am rather weepy which isn't me , I rarely cry! I think at what I have lost and don't want my children to suffer the same fate. Guess I am just feeling a little selfish; you know what I really crave? Someone to hold me. Someone who would tell me they loved me and cradle me as I cried; someone who would make love to me. Funny what we wish for - those things will never happen. I have hidden that part of me away for good and I doubt I could even get them back even if I wanted to.

I know if I ask they will help me in any way they can but it is time for me to let them go as it were. I want to step back from that and maybe they will be able to enjoy the time they have.

Bill and Marrianne have now moved into their new home and we all know how much work that means for them. I know how much they have been looking forward to the move and now it has finally arrived for them - I couldn't be more happy if I had moved into a new house myself!

Ben and Michelle need some time to sort out their relationship, they seem to be unhappy together and argue a lot, Nathan likes to be with me over the weekend probably because he can sense the tension that sometimes is there.

Hopefully my decision will mean something for them all although I won't be saying anything I will just let things happen. Their lives are the most important thing. If I can pull back, hide as much as possible they will at least be able to get some pleasure from this horrid time.

My, this seems a really depressing post but I don;t mean it as such!