I think I have only had about 6 weeks this year when I haven't had a head cold. It is starting to get to me - I am sick of being sick.
Philip is doing OK - he still managing to walk to the toilet himself with the frame so this really is a great help to me. The boys worked on the bathroom on the weekend and fitted the cabinet and the handbasin. Bill has lined up a plumber who should come out one day next week to connect the tap. At least I now have drawers and a cabinet to put things back into to. Not sure when the screen comes but at least the bathroom is almost finished.
Still haven't been able to get out to see Bill and Marrianne's house - it is so depressing I really want to go and see it. Bill told me he hopes to pour the concrete for his drive tomorrow so that will mean we will be able to get Philip into the house although there a a lot of stairs but between us all we should be able to get him up them.
Philip's father is in hospital - he has too much potassium in his heart and congestion on the lungs. Turns out he hasn't been taking his heart tablets for the last few months. Philip wants to see him, naturally but it is a 2 hour trip and there is no parking at the hospital because they are doing renovations. Philip's sister told me they drop his Mum there and then park at her house and walk to the hospital (about 2 or 3 kms).
I have to admit to being so out of shape and very overweight that I don't think I could make it. Philip's sister also can't walk the distance. His sister told me last night that the hospital doesn't consider him to be 'terminal' and are talking about when he comes home so unless things change we will wait until then and I will take him up. We can stay the night in a motel nearby.
Philip has become obsessed with food - he has put on about 24 kg since June - mainly from medications - and I restrict what he eats. I ensure he has a balanced diet and I give him lots of fruit to each between meals but to him it is not enough. He keeps asking for food and when I won't give him extra he become very verbally abusive. It is so out of character for him, he was always a polite and gentle man but this tumour has turned him into an abusive monster and it is very upsetting for me because I am trying hard to make the best of a rotten situation. The kids get so upset when he turns on me. Funny how all those swear words come out so clear!
The kids heard him the other day and they were all upset but what can I do? I try not to tell them how bad things are at times with him. I do tell them some things but not everything, after all he is their father and I want them to remember him as a nice person not an abusive one. They would be so devastated if they knew the truth about how things are.
Bill and Marrianne came over on Sunday to do the bathroom and Mare was very quiet - turns out I had upset her unwillingly and I feel so awful. I would never do anything to hurt her intentionally but at least she rang me last Tuesday and told me. I was devastated! Hopefully it doesn't affect our relationship because she is a wonderful girl. Not often you can say your children have nice partners but both mine do.
Now I have got all depressed again - keep thinking about what happened and replaying it in my mind. I realise it was something that was innocently said but something had happened in Mare's past that related to it and she was hurt.
Was starting to feel better in myself these last couple of weeks with only a couple of bad days - I know I am not coping with things here all that well and I have been masking it from all and sundry; I am the world's expert at hiding emotions and letting everyone think I am fine. Think the abuse is getting to me a bit so when this happened with Mare I took it hard - need to give myself a big shakeup.
7 comments:
Oh, goodness. I'm always concerned that I'm too mouthy when I write you. I alternate between spewing well-intended but idiotic comments and being afraid to say anything at all for fear of making a rotten time worse. Eh, what the hell.
Your description of your husband getting abusive when you won't let him stuff himself to corpulence reminds me of my parakeets. I'm half convinced that they eat to alleviate boredom sometimes. If I don't put out as much food as they think I should, they all come around and perch on me, snap and bite at me, and sometimes crap in my hair.
The business with your Phillip is no laughing matter, of course, but it sounds like there are some similar elements. You're trying to watch out for him because he doesn't have the capacity to do it himself, and you're catching hell for your efforts. There's figurative if not real crapping going on, it sounds like.
It is a rotten situation. You're a good person for trying to preserve your children's illusions a bit. However, if they hear your husband ranting, they hear him ranting. They're adults. It sounds as though he was a nice person before the tumor started messing with his brain, but when people get sick, they can act badly through no fault of their own. They can become entirely different people. Petulant, ill-tempered, abusive people sometimes. This is not a burden you should be having to carry entirely alone.
I sympathize with your worry about hurting your daughter-in-law. I think things will smooth out over time. It sounds as though she called you, the air got cleared a bit, and amends were made. The time to really worry is when people don't feel comfortable enough to have that conversation.
When people have relationships over long periods of time, toe-stubbings occur sometimes. It's a fact of life, especially when people are under a lot of stress. I have a feeling you're being harder on yourself than your daughter-in-law is or was.
first a (((((((((((((sooziii))))))))))))
I agree with all that Tanya has said. But then we are just but passers by.
I am sure your boys remember Philip for the father he really is. Have you thought maybe they would (and should) shoulder some of the effects.
Don't be so hard on yourself. Its an impossible situation and you are Human after all. Although most of us would consider you a Saint. ummmmm Saint Sooziii how does that sound. go on have a giggle. hugs sheila
Oh Tanya - I had a vision of PHilip crapping on my hair - you have no idea how much I laughed when I read about your birds. You are also right abiout my DIL - she just rang to say hi and chatted for an hour - things are back to normal, yipee!
Saint Sooziii - heck more like Satan Sooziii - you have no idea what I devil I am, have been and can be .... twinkle in the eye!!
Girls - thank you so much for your comments - tell me what an idiot I am when I am - I really appreciate your support. It is great to know that other people are hanging in there with you.
You know, I thought of saying that you're a saint - one of those tattooed ones - but when it gets right down to it, who in the hell wants to be a saint? It's a sucky job, especially when you're warm and vital and full of love and humor.
You are far, far from an idiot. However, I'm seriously concerned about your "going down with the ship" because of a lack of supplemental care resources. This situation has been and will be going on. It's a marathon. There has to be a way to get you more breaks than you're getting. Fresh air and flowers. The company of people who'll hug you and rub your back. More days out, ones where you're not having to scurry around doing errands.
Easy for me to say, of course, sitting half a world away.
Lots of hugs, Sooziii. Wish I could help out, somehow.
Dear soozii, my husband had the same bad moments as yours . My children were no adults at that time and recognized many times their daddy doing things they do'nt understand. But they keep their daddy in their mind as a wonderful daddy and today all my three children speak about daddy as a hearty person and they love him . and i think we all begin to forget the bad things only seeing the lovely daddy. HugsBarbara
Hi Sooziii , I keep forgetting to check out this site , cause it's not on my side bar and it isn't till I realsie you are very quiet That I come here.
Tanya's words are very true!
I wonder if you could stay at a motel and get a taxi to the hospital to see Philip's Dad?
The only thing I can suggest is that you and the boys are going to have to remember the "Philip before," rather than the "Philip after." ( his brain being overtaken by UGs......unwanted growths ) I think I might be answering him back by now or laughing like a maniac or both. Anything for stress relief!
Big big hugs girl...go hit some boxes! Love from Ali.
PS that's a great family group photo!
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