Christmas has been and gone. It was a low keyed affair; I wasn't even in the mood for putting up a tree but ended up buying a little tree to put on the kitchen table, mainly for my grandson. Still I enjoyed Christmas day with the family and we all had a good time, I came home and felt relaxed and pleased.Still Christmas just didn't have it's usual sparkle. Next year I hope, it will be back shiny and glittering and full of life.
Philip's mum seems to cope pretty well considering she had lost her son and her husband. She is really handling things better than I did when Philip first died. She goes out to housey four times a week and one evening, she says that it is only in the early evenings that she feels empty.
I thought I was coping really well now, getting into this dating game (see my other blog), I think all the funny things that occur during it are what is helping me to get back into life. Plus the fact that there are a lot of males out there who consider me attractive and would like to get to know me, even if I don't reciprocate the sentiments it is gratifying and uplifting to hear.
But tonight is New Year's Eve and for some reason I am finding it very hard. Son has gone over to be with his son and his son's mum so it's just me and the dogs. All of a sudden I realised I am alone and it sort of took me by surprise.
Since Philip died I have often thought of the fact that I am now alone and was a bit sadden by it but I don't really think it had sunk all the way in. Tonight it did, took me down to rock bottom; but don't worry my friends by the morning I will have climbed back up again - a new year and new things to look forward to. The Goddess is on the rise.
But there are some things I have to face before I can complete the return journey.
I sometimes wish I could tell someone how I feel. This blog does that but I hide so much of myself away; sometimes I think I even hide from myself.
If I am honest with myself I have been building walls or 'safes' since I was 21. Meet a wonderful man then but I spoilt it all and hurt him; and myself badly in the process. I never wanted to feel that sort of pain again so I built a wall to protect myself and have added to it over the years. I did love Philip but because of the wall I never gave 100% of myself. Over the years that wall has been strengthened and others added.
In addition to my original wall I have built a wall to help myself cope with Philip's illness; a wall to stop myself from feeling his pain; a wall to stop all those emotions of love that can't be returned; a wall to hide away my sexuality; a wall to protect myself from the feelings of guilt - the list goes on and on. It is the only way I know how to cope.
Now there is no reason for them but I hold them lovingly against my heart because they have become my shield, my strength. How can I tear them down? If I do I would run the risk of pain so unbearable. I don't think I have the strength. What would happen if I met someone, fell in love (wholly for the first time since that 21 year old girl did) and then I lost that love? I don't think I could cope with the pain, the loss. I have taken down the ones that relate to Philip because I no longer need them but the ones that protect my heart I feel are too strong to remove.
So do I tear them down and hope for a miracle or do I continue on with my life the same way and only give what can be seen what I have hidden and locked away?
Do I risk my sanity for something that I may never achieve? Do I bare my soul to someone and hope he will protect it? Only one other person in my life has ever seen the depths to my love and it ended in heartbreak and disaster. I don't think I can do it again.
I know you have to be prepared to risk all to achieve full love but I don't think I have the capacity to risk that much. The only other time I did the pain was so hard to bear I think it scarred me forever and holds me back from taking that risk.
I think I can have a full life even with those walls in place, Philip never knew they were they; in fact no-one has ever discovered them so I guess I hide them really well and I had a few relatinships before I married, even my family doesn't know of them. If I can fool all those people then I can keep them to protect myself. Okay so I am a chicken!
